The Truth
Children come better than we give them credit.
I have written and spoken in many places of the wonder, dreams, hope, and freedom which they naturally carry in their human existence. However, there are other glorious traits I believe natural to their human condition. Some I will name include a tendency to find the good, a tendency to care/compassion, a tendency to learn, and a desire to be of value/service to others. This short list can certainly be debated, and would be by many, but I will explain each briefly for our purposes here:
Seek Good –
No one sets out to be bad, to be evil, to do wrong things. Every child desires to be a good boy or girl.
Care/Compassion –
Contrary to popular belief I do not believe children are born selfish. I believe they will fight for security if they don’t feel it, but there is an inborn ability to empathize and hurt with the hurting. My son watched a movie called “The Red Balloon” when he was three years old and wept for a popped balloon. He cared.
Ability to Learn –
From day one children are hardwired to figure out what works and what doesn’t work in the world they live in. They are persistent in experimentation and finding those things that work well. We must capitalize on and trust our children’s ability to learn.
Desire for value, purpose, and to be needed –
Humans are relational beings and children want to not only belong but be important in their communities. I don’t think we can underestimate the importance of being needed. Children are not powerless in ideas or in physical ability. They are capable to help themselves and others.
The Problem
Flawed view of children –
It is sad to see adults rarely treat the kids under their influence as all of these things – good, caring, capable, and needed. Instead adult/child interactions so often scream not good, not caring, not capable, not needed!
Defined by their mistakes –
By defining kids by their mistakes (the natural process of their learning) we quickly produce shame in children. This comes at quite the cost: fear of failure resulting in fear of experimenting and trying which leads to stunting their learning and growth. In all this, there makes room for a consistent voice to enter their thoughts questioning their worth. Are you good? Do you care? Are you capable? Does anyone really need you?
Expecting the worst –
When we as adults fail to guard our expectations for kids, when we expect kids to be bad rather than good, selfish rather than caring, unthinking rather than capable of learning, and needy rather than needed, we send both verbal and nonverbal messages causing kids to expect these unnatural things in themselves (self-fulfilling prophesy). We thus groom them to be unnaturally unhealthy.
External rather than Internal Motivation –
With a lack of trust in children, much adult interaction attempts to get them to behave without the belief they are naturally capable of doing so. For example, if we believe children are incapable of sitting still, we will either lower expectations and tolerate their constant chaos or we will attempt to motivate them from the outside with bribes or threats - “I’ll give you candy,” or “Do it or else!” Every time an adults falls into such a trap they remove the center motivation of this child’s behavior outside self and to other influences in their lives. We strip them of their natural abilities to learn.
Dependent or rebellious (powerless) children –
Kids quit navigating life and give into the lies they are incapable of thinking or learning for themselves. Instead, they start reacting to or relying on outside stimuli.
The Solution
Live the best life you can –
Be good, care, learn, and be needed. You are needed. A child’s natural capability is not proof of their lack of need of adults. A child comes hardwired to learn, and part of this means being hardwired to follow those wise adults who have gone before. They are looking to us with learning eyes. What are they learning?
Go somewhere –
Don’t live like the movie, “Groundhog’s Day” where every day is just a repeat of the one before. Are you just crossing days off a calendar, or is your life moving somewhere? Humans need to be needed.
Own your Mistakes –
We need not be perfect, but we must apologize when we make mistakes. Owning mistakes prevents the development of shame, which maintains healthy connection.
Trust your Kids –
Constantly ask yourself if you have an expectation of good for your children. Do I believe they are good, capable, caring, and do I tell them in action and words, you are needed ?
Let Consequences Teach –
Provide consequences to mistakes when necessary, and always walk with your children through the consequences of their actions. Humans are hardwired to learn from consequences. Let them get the credit and the learning from both their bad and their good consequences!
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