The business world talks often of staff morale and encouragement. Companies develop elaborate systems to make sure staff are receiving feedback, and even earning small incentives for their work. Valued people tend to bring more value. I have seen this in my own work as a supervisor, and seek as a first priority to create a place where people feel appreciated. I have seen for myself the positive effects of someone in power noticing a quality or accomplishment of an individual. This noticing breeds confidence, unity, loyalty, and passion for the work. I need to prioritize this as a boss, and as the leader of an entrepreneurial family, as a parent as well. My people need to be noticed, but how I do so is equally important.
Much research has been done on the detrimental effects of “praise.” Praise can backfire because people learn to distrust it, or learn to trust external evaluations rather than their own. In short, people either reject the influence of the “praiser” or become dependent upon them. Simply noticing, however, does not run this risk especially when we notice but don’t evaluate. Recently for example I saw one of my staff crawling in the snow playing with a student. I simply said, “I notice you crawling around out there,” when I could have added, “that’s great!” By noticing without evaluation I let him supply the feeling of greatness, let him recall how it made him feel in the moment, and let him know I shared in his moment of isolated inspiration. By failing to evaluate, I leave him with two joys – the joy of his original experience, and the joy of my noticing. Praise can cheapen the first joy.
Praise also has a detrimental effect on the “noticer” because it skews towards looking for “success.” A person prone to praise will often only call things out when someone wins, accomplishes something, or shows particular excellence. This places a priority on victory and conquest over effort and experiment. A person who is accomplished at noticing can set aside more of their own biases to see what is actually happening in the lives of those around them. They don’t only see what they want to see or what is obvious. They see those subtle things and can help the receiver of their encouragement put his or her finger on something less obvious about his/herself. This is so powerful.
I was praised my entire early years. I got good grades, was a “genius” to some, scored lots of goals, and generally excelled. Praise quickly locked me into a place where I was defined by certain accomplishments, but had no idea who I was. People celebrated what I did, but they didn’t notice who I was, and so it became hard for me to know who I was. For those of us stuck in praise bubbles, the power of noticing is tremendous. An example from my own life came my last year of high school at a national Christian youth conference. A woman there pulled me aside after a small group and simply said, “I notice your thoughtfulness and the loving heart you carry. Have you ever considered being a pastor?” She left it at that. A simple comment, and a question, but they hit me like a ton of bricks and began an entire process of self-reflection. The power of her method was the way it directed me back towards myself. She saw this. Was it true? She wasn’t willing to tell me, so I had to find out for myself. What a powerful gift!
In order to execute this more effectively I have created a notebook for each of my family members. Every morning as a part of my wake-up routine, I write down something I noticed about them from the day before, doing my best to leave out any unnecessary commentary. I then share it over breakfast in front of the whole family. I’ve been doing it a month, and already see how powerful it is. By seeking to notice, and simply notice, I find myself seeing things about my kids I wouldn’t have otherwise. What is more, I can watch them receive my observation and take it into themselves to reflect upon. I noticed this particularly powerfully this week with my third child, Hope. I shared how I noticed her silliness and the way she makes others laugh. After sharing I can watch her practicing silliness, and exploring this part of her as she goes through her days. If I’m not careful and slip into praise I could pin Hope into the box of silly goofball, but if I do a good job of noticing this and her other wonderful attributes, I will give her a safe and loving place to discover her own beautiful strengths. I am convinced this is one of my most important jobs as parent – chief observer, and “noticer.” “I’ll tell you what I see, you tell me if it’s true.”
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