Learning is for the brave.
True learning necessitates change to implement the learning material into reality, and this change leads to conflict: conflict with self, conflict with schedules or routines, conflict with others etc. Though the conflict level will vary depending on what learning and what changes are emerging, conflict is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage to learn.
Here enters one of the reasons marriage is so tricky. Learning in marriage is doubly courageous because change comes at us from two directions.
As I learn new things, I am so encouraged by my husband and our journey of learning together. He is my number one champion of learning and becoming me. He is inquisitive, encouraging, and engaging with all I learn. In the areas, like drawing or painting, where he doesn’t participate much, he inquires about what my next project is or how a project is coming along, he encourages me by making time for me to actively participate in those activities, and engages by hearing what I am learning. He also is so honoring in areas where the learning effects both our lives, like recently nutrition and food. He again is inquisitive, encouraging, and engaging but in different ways because they will bring about a change of lifestyle for us both. He is inquisitive about what I am learning but also how those things could – or for me, ideally will – change our lives. He asks the questions I may have skimmed over and discusses priorities on what to change first. Then together we implement a change and honestly communicating how those changes worked for him. He has encouraged me to keep learning – and teaching him what I am learning! He engages by digesting what I am teaching him and discussing what he is willing to do or not do.
Most importantly, through it all he is over and over reiterating how much he is for me and for my learning even in areas where there could be tension or disagreement. All these propel my desire to learn and communicate while vanquishing fears of rejection or of feeling belittled or silly. In it, I not only feel more known and deeper unity, but a confidence to continue exploring and continue becoming more fully me! Changes may take longer throughout the whole process, but the unity which comes from making it “our” change instead of “my” change are worth the delay.
Without this safe place to discuss and process, my learning would become an area of tension and fear. Continual fear and tension in communicating would eventually lead to my learning in isolation or a complete abandonment of learning all together. In the prior, I would be growing and becoming someone foreign and would either need to fake in interacting with him or stop interacting with him - specifically in those areas of my personal change. In abandoning learning, I would be missing out on who I - and thus we - could be! Furthermore, the risk of bitterness and resentment are increased and/or the fear of change escalates as the idea of conflict paralyzes. Life turns from a fun adventure to be discovered to a scary, peeking-through-your-fingers ride barely tolerable.
Learning can be done together. Changes can be more than just “your” or “my” new thing but “our” development. Unity can be deepened in it all. Let’s clean up the mess of poor communication, dive into learning, and absorb the learning of our loved ones. Showing interest and asking questions while reaffirming commitment and love to another goes a long way. Building a history of honor in exchanging ideas by keeping ideas/beliefs separated from individual identity is worth every challenging minute. Experimenting with changes and then together openly and honestly discussing how the experiment went is so freeing and can be fun.
Learn. Teach. Absorb. Experiment. Tweak. Tinker. Change. Grow.
Here is to all the learners and to all those absorbing the learning of loved ones!
Gabrielle Wiens
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