God is infinite in the depth and breadth of his personality and character. This manifold God made mankind in His image, and each person bears Christ in them, the hope of glory. Each individual is unique, a personal and solitary representative of the creativity and character of God. Each person has one job to do: to freely and fully be the individual God created them to be, the individual made uniquely in His image. As parents we have the privilege to help raise our kids in this way only they can go.
And yet, these children do not grow and develop in isolation. They are raised and influenced by people who also have their own unique personhood. Thus, there is going to be influence. The goal is not sterility. Rather, the only form of destiny I believe in is within relational connection. My children are mine for a reason. Not only did I give them DNA in the making of their flesh, but I most certainly do and should give them DNA in the making of their character. This is good and right. They are members of the Wiens family, and it means something to be such a member.
My Eli is a Wiens. I get to pass on to him a set of expectations and culture. I get the honor of having him watch me as he learns how to do this thing called life. In this sense, I am wise to know he will naturally make himself in my image. There is an African proverb I heard recently which says, “Don’t worry if your children don’t listen to you, worry that they watch you.” There are patterns of speech and habits of conduct, which for both good and ill, my son will carry with him all the days of his life. I do well to focus lots of energy making sure the life he is watching is one I am willing to have repeated in the next generation. I can afford to spend less energy trying to teach him right. He will learn well enough how to be a full and healthy him if I am a full and healthy me.
In this way, even as I acknowledge and live for the ways he will make himself in my image, I must also actively resist MY tendencies to make him in my image. And it is on this point it becomes imperative for me to have my priorities straight and my energies intentionally spent. As a parent, my business must primarily be me. I will do the most of my teaching by my life lived, so devoting my energies in doing this well has a two-fold benefit. First, it strengthens my life and thus the quality of learning my child receives. Second, it ties my hands up in something productive thus reducing my tendency to try to control my kids. You see, not everything Eli is jives perfectly with who I am. For example, Eli is an extremely demonstrative individual. He feels and expresses much, and often these expressions get on my nerves. I can lack empathy for such things because I don’t share these sorts of experiences. How easy it can be as a parent to react to children out of our preferences, our unique personhood, rather than the manifold nature of God displayed in them.
Now there are absolutes, like the fruit of the Spirit, which I can expect to see in my children (to the degree which I also expect to see them in myself). But, on any other non-imperative characteristic or trait I as the parent have the responsibility to follow the Apostle Paul’s lead in “becoming all things to all people.” In other words, I have a responsibility to feel more for Eli, to explore the demonstrative lifestyle of my son in order to understand him, connect with him, and establish the freedom for him to be him, and me to be me without any need to change him. I am the powerful one in the relationship, and if I don’t actively explore the image of God in Eli, I run the risk of creating Eli in my image rather than God’s.
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