Levi, fifteen months, is a sippy-cup guy. Every meal, a sippy cup. Waiting on the counter where he can reach it when thirsty, a sippy cup. At least that is the way things were. This changed when I filled his cup with milk for dinner and happened to look at the plastic nipple part of the lid. Black! It should have been transparent. Not good. “I guess you’re learning how to drink from a real cup,” I told him. He received his glass of milk like a man lost at sea, and proceeded to dump most of it down his front. I saw this coming, so it wasn’t super full. A refill. This time Levi was more cautious and the milk was probably half consumed. Progress, but Sorry pal, you’re done for the night. Two glasses of milk is all we do. The next day he again oohed and aahed upon acquiring his cup—dinner and a bath once again! But he improved. He drank probably three-fourths of the glass this time. With each subsequent meal, there was less and less dribble. Within forty-eight hours he wasn’t even leaking at the corners. Amazing how quickly he can learn, but also amazing how messy the journey is.
Levi’s story does a great job showcasing the messiness of learning, but it is not unique in this aspect.
Learning new things must of necessity be a messy business—especially when starting.
We must create intentional space for such messes in our parenting and our family environment.
Parenting is a serious business. As such, it is all too easy to pretend like we have it all together. No one wants to look messy parenting. Especially when others are looking.
But when we avoid the mess, we avoid the opportunity to learn.
Messiness should become an invitation in our parenting. It should be an invitation to smile and problem solve. Whether a physical mess like milk, an emotional mess like a tantrum, or a parenting mess of bad tactics, we do well to celebrate the promise it holds for growth. Where there is a mess there is an opportunity to become better.
I worked at a sub sandwich restaurant in college. The health inspector came once a year, and though I still ate their food, we definitely weren’t as clean any other day of the year. Most restaurants are like this. Most families too. We have tactics to appear clean in front of other people. We ignore the mess the rest of the time.
We fail to grow up.
We remain sippy cup families: clean and tidy, but not as grown as we could be.
How do we create a family environment that consistently replaces sippy cups with open tops?
We celebrate mess as the pathway to learning.
Ignoring mess, covering it up, or resisting it all together are sure recipes for stagnancy and dysfunction in our homes. When your kid throws a fit at the grocery store. When they get fingernail polish all over the floor. When you spill a mouth-full of angry language all over yourself and your child. In all of these cases, there is a mess, proverbial spilled milk. It should not be cried over. It should be recognized as the pathway to learning and action taken from there.
When deciding how or if to clean up a mess I recommend experimentation. Henry Ford became famous for developing the most efficient means of making a car. In pursuing efficient and healthy homes, we do well to follow his pattern. In describing his methodology he said,
“We try everything in a little way first—we will rip out anything once we discover a better way, but we have to know absolutely that the new way is going to be better than the old before we do anything drastic.”
Messes tell us where there is a better way. The mold in Levi’s glass told me an open top was a better way. I did something drastic and switched him on the spot. The first lapful of milk told Levi to modify his tactics. He went more slowly the second time. He tinkered and altered his technique through experimentation. Every mess directed him to a higher way of drinking. There are parenting styles, patterns of living, and authentic learning in all of our homes which are creating messes. Some messes need to be celebrated, others need to be leaned into and experimented with.
Sometimes it may require ripping something out, but go ahead, find a mess and try it in a little way first.
Don’t forget to smile. We’re all learning.
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