In the last four months, I have written three books and am about to start my fourth. Each of them is called, “Up, Not Out,” each of them contains the same thirty chapters, but each of them is different in structure, content, and quality. I believe they are getting better. They wouldn’t be if I didn’t have a teammate and editor. I call her wife, and I think we all need them; editors that is.
The Entrepreneurial Family is a unit on mission. We are about the same overall business, but each of us have different functions to that familial end. The one title we all should share is editor. By giving the rest of our family team the opportunity to respond and lovingly critique the offerings we are bringing to the family cause, we inevitably broaden the quality of the offering we are making to the world.
Being edited is vulnerable business. Every one of the three books I’ve written in the last months, I had poured bits of my soul into. I had expended days-worth of time and energy. I was proud of them. Still I spoke the Edit Me, Please to my bride. How she goes about her work makes all the difference.
My wife is becoming an expert editor of my books and life. When we wrote our first book, this was not the case. With Making Manly,Brie made the red letters rain! She gave herself creative license and rewrote entire sections throughout the book. I would receive my chapters back and would be unable to recognize them in content, voice, or even substantial heart. She had taken my baby and made it her own. I felt insecure, hurt, irritated, and weak.
What has she learned since then?
She encourages more. She asks lots of questions. She does cosmetic touch-ups to make me look brilliant. She keeps the problems mine.
Each of these behaviors leaves me feeling powerful and allows her to win and protect my heart even as she hones and betters my book. There may be moments I could wish she weren’t so thorough, but I never have anything but gratitude for her work and increasing confidence in the quality of what we are producing. In the wake of this writing process, I am dreaming about expanding this editing culture to every area of our family life.
Feedback is essential to excellence. My individual perspective is limited, and though I know this logically, I have not always been the best about seeking the feedback of those around me. In my own life there are two reasons for this. The first has been the overwhelmingly positive feedback I have gotten in my life. A litany of you did so well,when I know it was mediocre at best, steals the trust I have for people. I can no longer believe their encouragement because I know the strictly sunny picture they give me isn’t the full thing. The second has been feedback which takes power out of my hands rather than arming me with strength. In such cases, I am not being given another perspective and invited to use it as I see fit; I am being told what I should do.
I want to create a culture around me where positive and negative feedback is normalized in the boundaries of trusted relationships.
Last night I botched the feedback process terribly with Brie. She was feeling frustrated about our personal possessions, and I wanted to help. I asked her for permission to share some thoughts, which was a good start, but then I let my mouth get away from me. It was the equivalent of re-writing her book. I failed to notice the good. I asked no questions. I picked at the little things to help her see her problem, not to help her look brilliant. I tried to fix her. Not helpful. I stepped into the role of feedback giving hero. Brie does not need a hero. She is a perfectly capable heroine. She is stronger with a sidekick. To the extent I can consistently notice the good, ask questions about things which could be improved, work hard to make her look brilliant, and keep the final decisions and power in her court, I can be that sidekick.
I can do the same for my kids. When they have relational problems: would you like to hear what I’m noticing? I notice you are incredibly respectful with your body, even when your sister hits. I also notice she gets upset when you get bossy. How do you think you could help the situation? Let me know if you want to brainstorm some ideas. Good luck! By doing so, I can keep myself out of the role of hero and simply be the wise sage. In turn, I can also look to my kids to give me feedback on the poems I write every day, the way they’ve been experiencing me during interactions, or the quality of my meals. I can model and teach them how to give and receive healthy feedback. By doing so, I also avoid being the ever-knowing sage parent.
We are a team: my wife, my kids, and their man, a man I pray humble and wise enough to be edited toward excellence.
Edit me, please!
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