Can you motivate someone?

This is the question asked in the business world all the time. Some argue it is impossible to motivate someone else because each individual is only capable of controlling his or her self. Those making such an argument rightly emphasize and understand the innate autonomy of every person and the importance of protecting that autonomy. However, they are misguided to underemphasize our capacity of influence over others. The reality is we all receive motivation from others to stimulate our activity—for good or evil. There are then two ways we can motivate or influence other people, and they are not created equal. The first tends toward management and the second, leadership.

Management motivation uses external rewards and punishments to encourage desired behavior. Leadership motivation on the other hand creates an external environment which elicits an internal response of motivation and engagement within those under our influence.

This is the higher form of motivation.

Unfortunately, within the realm of family, most parents are managers not leaders.

Wielding the weapons of reward and punishment, they manipulate children to behave in a desired way. It is a powerful motivation tool, but it lacks one crucial element: connection. A well-managed household can be a gift, but if we stop there, we will raise children who lack motivation outside of our watchful, managerial gaze.

I am motivated to comply to a manager. I am motivated to connect and comply to a leader.

The difference is the key to turnover problems in the business world and rebellion in familial life. If you motivate me through external management, I will comply because it benefits me in the short term, but as soon as I receive a better offer or opportunity, I will be off without a second thought.

How then do we motivate effectively as leaders, and more specifically as parental leaders?

The language I have developed to talk about it is the four I’s: Inspiration, Interest, Intoxication, and Intimacy. These four words are the forces which have the power to move me internally to connect with and engage with any activity, cause, or person. I will naturally and of my own volition buy in where I am inspired, interested, intoxicated, or experiencing intimacy, preferably all of the above. It is true in the business world, and it is equally true at home.

As parents of Entrepreneurial Families, we thus have the capacity and responsibility to provide all four of these experiences consistently in the home environments we are leading.

I offer them as a diagnostic tool and a framework to begin leading effectively. Donald Miller is the acclaimed author of several books and the current head of Storybrand marketing. Donald does an excellent job of understanding these natural human motivators. He uses different language than me, but his message is centrally, we are motivated where there is a great story being told. As human beings, we long to live great stories. Movie producers motivate free citizens in this country to spend billions of dollars every year to see their films. They need not manipulate them with threats or bribes to do so. We are motivated to watch movies because they are inspiring, interesting, intoxicating, and intimate. We are motivated to stay engaged with businesses and families in the same way.

As parents, it is our time to pick up the pen and write a great story for our families.

Channel your inner William Wallace to INSPIRE your troops for the battles ahead. Channel your inner David Attenborough to bring out your children’s INTEREST in the world around you. Channel your inner Mary Poppins to lead them in INTOXICATING adventures which might be called magical. Channel your inner, and this time I really mean inner, Jesus of Nazareth, and draw to yourself your band of disciples through the inspiring, interesting, and intoxicating force which is INTIMATE love.

When we provide our families these four I’s, they will be naturally motivated to connect and engage with the family helping them live a great story.