Every human-being is trying to answer the question, “Who Am I?”
This is always a difficult question, but our present culture makes it even more so by stripping us of answers to the question which is meant to come first: “Who are we?” We have come to believe no one can tell anyone else anything about who they are, about what is right or wrong, good or evil.
The unfortunate truth is that it is human nature to belong to a “WE” and when healthy people aren’t telling me “who we are” I have no hope of discovering “who I am.” Instead, I will turn to less healthy folks to answer the question. Or, in an absence of credible answers to “who are we?” I will sink into isolation, depression, and anxiety because I was never meant to answer “who am I?” outside of the context of “who are we?”
It is imperative that adults as parental leaders provide for the next generation a clear and authentic answer to the question, “Who are we?”
The question every parent must ask his/herself: am I providing that answer?
I am passionate about helping parents and guardians answer the question “who are we?” clearly and powerfully for their children. I believe most of the anxiety, depression, teenage dysfunction, and familial division we see in our society stems from this primary failure. We are not giving kids meaningful answers to the question “Who are We?” Children are growing up with chauffeuring, meal-making, game-playing, involved parents, but many of those parents aren’t matching their involvement with a definition of what it means to belong to this family. Children were meant to be born into a tribe. Their early years are primarily wired to answer the question, “Who are we?” not “who am I?” When we strip them of this foundation, the hormones of adolescence kick in, the ego starts asking for definition, and everyone quickly realizes they are building this teenage house on sand.
The key to remedying this situation is for parents to put the extended time and intentionality into defining and articulating in word and deed the meaning of their last name. The healthy adolescent comes equipped with a strong understanding of what his/her last name means. This is not to say they need to know the etymological history of the word, but my thirteen-, ten-, six-, and even two-year-old should have much to say if asked, “What does it mean to be a part of your family?” This understanding sets them up with not only the information, but also the team of collaborators they will need to begin to define what their first name means as they continue to grow.
The process of answering this question for the next generation should begin with a reimagining of what it means to parent. Societally, we have reduced parenting to provision and behavior management. Contrarily, the Ancient Israelites broke their nation down into leaders of thousands, hundreds, and tens. A parent is a leader of tens. It is a leader’s job to take a group of people somewhere, and not just soccer practice. All parents can begin as family leaders to discuss where they want to take their family. If you are already on that journey, then begin brainstorming creative ways to communicate it. Here are some fun questions to get you going:
What do we want the decoration of our house to say about “who we are?”
If we had to pick ten, five, three, or one word(s) to answer “who we are” what would they be?
What media—books, television, film, internet resources—should be enforcing our definition of “who we are?”
Do our activities reflect who we want to be? What activities need to go? What do we need to add?
Questions like this are the constant labor of the successful business/political leader. The same is true for families. In fact, every leader of thousands knows they can only be as successful as their leaders of tens. If families fail to do this well, angst will reign in adolescence and beyond, families will suffer and crumble. When families suffer and crumble, nations do likewise.
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