“All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot. And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.”
Dr. Suess’ book, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!, is a book my family has on sound recording, so I hear this phrase quite often.This “alone” page in particular is one I have not always liked a whole lot. Alone. No one likes to be alone.
However, after the birth of my fifth child, I had time to contemplate how alone I was—even when surrounded by five children! Yes, alone is really something we will be quite a lot. Lonely, on the other hand, is a choice. Though alone, we don’t have to be lonely.
The changes found in transitions—no matter how good or necessary—can exacerbate the awareness of being alone.
In introducing our son to our family, my life changed in a big way. I was alone in the role of feeding our infant son, day and night. In this big role shift, I was struck with loneliness even with four young children and a supportive husband taking care of me. I was lonely with the presence of my parents, our Auntie, and friends dropping in to say hi, play with kids, and bring us food.
I was lonely because I was focused on these feelings of being “left behind.”
I was left behind in the room while my family continued their meals at the table. I watched from the window as my family continued their recess play in the snow. I slept in my bed to rest while my family engaged in fun activities. I fed the baby while my husband fed the other kids.
Their lives continued on as normal as my role had been upended.
And here more than ever, I realized our individual roles we must take on.
No matter how strong our supporting surroundings, we need to take responsibility in this place of being alone.
Andrew and I are a team working towards the same goal, but especially in this time, he couldn’t fulfill my role. And similarly, in my condition I couldn’t do his role. There are ways my newest son and my family depend on me. Alone.
Transitions are a time when normal has been upended, a new normal is being established, and emotions have the potential to go crazy in the upheaval of consistency.
In all of it, these “alone” roles can feel isolating and defeating and perhaps depressing if given the space to do so. So what do we do with these feelings? How do we healthily handle big transitions like a new baby or a new job or a move or . . . ?
I started with honesty. Avoiding all the “should” surrounding emotions, such as I should be happy because I have a new, healthy baby, I talked to Andrew about my loneliness. At first, I didn’t have a name for it, but as we processed, loneliness was soon taken a hold of and stared at. I was lonely.
He and I were comfortable in this less than ideal place and I was given space to simply feel.
But once I could hold what I was feeling and label what was going on, I could find a solution to that feeling (without Andrew needing to “fix” me).
In that place, I could accept my “alone” roles and shift my focus from what I couldn’t do and begin to capitalize on what I could:
I had lots of time to sit and relax that I would love in any other situation. What can I do with this time? Oh, yeah. Read the incredibly long Les Miserables book I have wanted to read but couldn’t find the time.I could hold a baby or draw a baby and take time to marvel at his life and features, filling my mind with wonder and thanksgiving. And when I didn’t feel capable of thanksgiving or of positive self-talk, I asked Andrew to encourage me and tell me what he saw. He would tell me how I made him proud, how he noticed what I was doing to care for myself and our son, or his thankfulness for my sacrifices.
Sometimes we get strength from absorbing someone else’s perspective.
And then I began assessing what I needed from those around me. In naming my loneliness, I was conscious to not draw further into isolation.
I drew people in and extracted special moments from this awkward time:
I couldn’t tuck my kids in bed because I couldn’t climb the stairs, but I really longed to be a part of bedtime still. Tonight, could the kids tuck me in to bed and we read our story in my bed while I feed the baby? I got creative to engage with others as I could within this transition. I found fun, new ways to connect.
“On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.”
Yes, you will be alone. There is a unique part you play, a unique role you alone can bring. That in and of itself may be scary. But onward! You are surrounded even as you are alone. And in it all, you are more than a conqueror. Engage and create.
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