Three key questions for setting the tone of our families

Like it or not, if you are a parent, you are a leader.

As a leader, the eyes of those little ones following are looking to you for direction every time you come together.

By analyzing ahead of time a few key parts of your day, and asking yourself three simple preparatory questions, you can be a leader providing clarity, confidence, and connection in even the seemingly least-significant moment of family time.

Example Story:

At a recent men’s retreat I attended, I had the privilege of watching an example of excellent team leadership. The members of the retreat were divided into roughly ten teams for the weekend, each team appointed a color and a leader, and each day filled with competitions amongst the teams. I was a purple, and with no disrespect to my team lead, it was clear to me from the get go, the red team leader was of a variety set apart. Within minutes, he had assembled his group of strangers, facilitated introductions with energy and smiles, organized a team chant and provided a clear identity to the team. Meanwhile, the chit-chat in my group was at a low enough level I could make these observations as well as survey the other teams without feeling rude. The red team alone seemed free of awkwardness. This pattern continued throughout the weekend. Teams would come together, and time and time again the red team leader alone provided excellent, directive, tone-setting leadership. Even as a fiercely loyal, competitive, independent person, it was easy for me to look on and yearn to be a red. When the weekend closed, the comradery and connection fostered by this leader had translated to a dominant victory on the scoreboard. You could feel the wistfulness in the remaining groups of men as we looked in on their well-led celebration of victory. We were the orphans looking in at the family with a father. They were not more talented, more friendly or even better looking than the rest of us. They were simply better led.

By naming a team leader, the organizers of the retreat gave each group a person whom they would look to for direction every time they came together. As the red leader proved, this could be very powerful. What are we doing? How are we doing it? Who are we? These were the unspoken questions of our hearts.

When unanswered by the actions of a leader, teams always drift apart.

Families work the same way. When we come together for meals, when we pick our kids up from school, when we are headed out for a day at the zoo; the eyes of the family are fixed on us for direction and leadership. If we fail in those times to provide red-team like leadership, our teams will inherently drift, behavior problems will increase, attention-spans will decrease, and what was a family will become a group of small-talking orphans.

The key to great team leaders like the one I witnessed at the retreat is they know their role as tone-setters.

They are not always the star, but they take center stage at the beginning of every time together. Like someone introducing the evening’s speaker or going over the schedule at a large event, they provide the direction for where everyone will go. It is essential parents are ready to take this center stage spot day in and day out, each time they reconnect with a family member or members.

I believe the most successful leaders will not rely solely on instinct and charisma to pull this off, but will come to their days armed with a plan.

We should begin by identifying before the start of the day the moments when we will come back together as a family or part of a family.

We should then ask ourselves three quick questions and make written or mental notes to prepare us for these key family times. The questions are:

What is something I can share about myself? What I’m learning, struggling with, pondering or remembering?

Great family leaders set the tone of sharing and connecting vulnerably by doing so themselves, not just attempting to pry information from others.

What is something I want to know about this person or group? Specific questions . . . with time to talk!

Great family leaders ask a wide variety of practical, intimate, and playful questions about pointed subjects, and do so when there is time to talk, not on the run. On the run is great for sharing, not great for questions. People won’t share when they don’t feel there is actually space and time to do so.

What is a brief activity I could lead for us to share in together?

Great family leaders innovate memorable moments which might be as simple as a shared song, a hug, a brief game, or a challenge.

Taking five or ten minutes to ask these questions and be ready to set the tone in those crucial family moments will make all the difference in the culture of your home.