HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS by
Giving what they need, not what they want
Many adults fear a relationship with children which fails to acknowledge a child's feelings.
We must not make the equally great mistake of allowing a child's feelings to direct his/her life and our adult interaction.
“Children may know what they want, but it Is dangerous to assume that they know what they need. To the peer-oriented child it seems only natural to prefer contact with friends to closeness with family, to be with them as much as possible, to be as much like them as possible. A child does not know best. Parenting that takes its cues from the child’s preferences can get you retired long before the job is done. To nurture our children, we must reclaim them and take charge of providing for their attachment needs.”
The liberating truth of Attachment Theory is not that kids and our connections with them are fragile. Instead, it is that kids need us to be adults, to lead and be willing to say you want that, but you need this. The resulting frustration in a child can feel like it damages attachment in the present moment, but in the long run it brings the peace of knowing they have a wiser, more capable adult they can trust.
Evaluate what kids need in three important areas, and your consistency at providing those needs, rather than a child's wants:
1. Friends - The central argument of Hold on to Your Kids is that we have overvalued a child's need for friends. Close adult relationships are a priority.
In our homes and school programs, are we structuring time and relationships so as to foster strong adult connections, or are we fueling the socially orphaned drift of youth toward peers?
2. Fun/Free time - Not all fun/free time is created equal. Some, like outdoor play, imaginative play, art, and reading fuel self-direction, creativity, and health.
Others, like video games, social gossiping, and social media fuel loneliness, addiction, and shallow connections.
In our homes and school programs, are we training kids how to use their free time in ways that build them up, or are we allowing them to develop habits that will lead to isolation, laziness, and a life of apathetic entertainment?
3. Food - "I want a snack!" "I don't like . . ." These phrases are a relatively modern invention. Inevitably, when allowed to bloom they lead kids toward diets and eating habits driven by emotion, rather than nutrition. Healthy eating habits are an adults responsibility to model for and train in children.
In our homes and school programs, are we training kids to eat wisely for health, or emotionally for the habit of pleasure?
There are many areas we can and should evaluate with regards to the relationship between a child's wants and needs,
but taking responsibility for these three will position us to develop strong adult connections with kids, and successfully "Hold on" to them.
For more from Hold on to Your Kids,
visit here and go to the "Attachment Theory & Peer Orientation" topic tab