HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS by
Providing Futility.
Many adults have so bought the consumerist lie, "if you want it, you should get it," they consider it downright mean to show a child that sometimes our wants are futile and beside the point.
“It seems that many parents put their children in the lead, looking to them for cues on how to parent. Some parents hope to avoid upset and frustration by doing everything in their power to make things work for their children. Children parented in such a manner never come up against the necessary frustration that accompanies facing the impossible. They are deprived of the experience of transforming frustration into feelings of futility, of letting go and adapting. Other parents confuse respect for their children with indulging their wants instead of meeting their needs. Still others seek to empower their children by giving them choices and explanations when what the child really needs is to be allowed to express his frustration at having some of his desires disappointed by reality, to be given the latitude to rail against something that won’t give."
In the 1950's, Curt Richter, a professor at John Hopkins did an experiment with swimming rats. He timed how long it took them to drown in a bucket of water: minutes. Later, he rescued some of the rats before they could drown and placed them back into the water. The rats swam many many times longer than they did before they were rescued. Futility kills hope. In the case of drowning rats this is a bad thing. In the case of kids wandering down unhelpful life paths it is a great gift provided by authoritative parents.
When children are told they can't do something, but no authority backs those words, they become like rats who have been saved from drowning.
They realize argument, disobedience, and manipulation are not futile.
As a result, they become undisciplined tyrants, wearing adults out with their defiant swimming, until they get their way. The point of breakthrough is there somewhere, just around the corner; they know it from experience: adults don't mean what they say!
Their job, unfortunately, becomes finding where the adult's breaking point is.
The tragic result is not limited to defiant kids. The greatest tragedy here is kids wandering down life paths which are unhelpful and destructive. All because they didn't have an adult in their life who would build a wall of authority blocking that path and teach them it was futile to try that way.
This week I want to encourage all of us to simply reflect upon the last three weeks' emails and to realize attachment theory is not coddling.
Attachment theory says kids need to connect with adults who will show them in authority that their foolish wants are futile to pursue.
Tell yourself every day this week:
I am going to "hold on" to children and develop strong attachments with them by giving them what they need, being authority, and providing futility.