We love kids by EXPECTING them to
Control Themselves
In our 21st century world,
many believe the lie that a child can't control himself and needs us to manage and babysit his every behavior to keep him safe.
Last week, we talked about the importance of providing kids clear, authoritative boundaries. One of the main reasons we set clear boundaries is for kids to learn how to control themselves well within those boundaries.
Our culture is obsessed with managing the behavior of children and taking responsibility to make sure kids make the "right" choice. We must remind ourselves that true freedom only comes when a person can control herself. We must do our kids the service of expecting them to do just that while under our care.
Enforceable Expectation:
Children are free to explore within pre-described boundaries as long as they are demonstrating the self-control necessary to do so respectfully.
Children who do not demonstrate self-control lose their privilege until another opportunity presents itself to try again.
All of us have our own ideas about what kids are capable of with regards to self-control, but I can speak from experience how dangerous it is to underestimate this ability.
Children who are not expected to control themselves, don't. When I led programming in the public schools, I received students who had been kicked out of other schools for behavior issues. Many of them had been told repeatedly they weren't capable of controlling themselves. I would let them know upon arrival that I expected them to nonetheless and enforced boundaries accordingly.
By increasing our expectations around kids' capacity to control themselves, we help kids grow into our expectations of them, and release them, when ready, to handle greater freedoms.
All of us have our own ideas about what kids are capable of with regards to self-control, but I can speak from experience how dangerous it is to underestimate this ability.
Children who are not expected to control themselves, don't. When I led programming in the public schools, I received students who had been kicked out of other schools for behavior issues. Many of them had been told repeatedly they weren't capable of controlling themselves. I would let them know upon arrival that I expected them to nonetheless and enforced boundaries accordingly.
By increasing our expectations around kids' capacity to control themselves, we help kids grow into our expectations of them, and release them, when ready, to handle greater freedoms.
Additional Benefits:
Kids who learn to control themselves will also . . .
1. Be able to trust themselves.
2. Be ready to take control over their own learning journey.
3. Expect others in their lives to control themselves.
4. Be ready to persevere through discomfort.
5. Resist emotional reactions in difficult situations.
6. Avoid bossy, micro-managing behaviors in the lives of others.
Ideas for Implementation:
Help kids build their self-control by . . .
1. Telling them that you can't and won't do so, but. . .
2. Showing them that you can and will deprive them of certain freedoms when they fail to control themselves.
3. Giving them opportunities to do things at which they are likely to lose or fail, so they learn to manage emotions.
4. Defining specific examples of what self-control looks like in situations where they have formerly struggled.
5. Working hard to control yourself, i.e. your tone of voice and reactions, rather than controlling them.
6. Refusing to remind, but instead acting when self-control is not demonstrated.
7. Going for long walks or other endurance activities.
What are your expectations around a child's self-control?
Pick one of the above ideas to begin growing and do your kids the favor of helping them build this all-important ability.
For more on building self-control in children,
visit here and go to the "Power Struggles, Conflict, & Consequences" tab
For more on raising your expectations for children,
visit here and go to the "High Expectations" topic tab